[Dinocanid]

I wanted to rip my hair out so bad trying to figure this out a long time ago, but I found the answer a few minutes ago!

There is actually nothing wrong with your cron.php. When you create the cronjob in cPanel, the command has to be:

curl http://YOURURL/cron/function

So replace 'function' with whatever function you are trying to run in cron.php and it should work.

EDIT: Also apparently using math right there with UPDATE will not work. See here for a fix